TheDistinguishedEnglishBulldog’s Blog

October 27, 2012

Meet Reagan – my little big brother

Filed under: Days in the life — by thedistinguishedenglishbulldog @ 7:34 am

This is Reagan. Most you probably don’t know about him. I don’t talk about him much, since we’ve never really gotten along. But we share a house and the unspoken rule is that he stays upstairs and I stay downstairs. We also have a complex system of baby gates throughout the house so that he has a place to hide from me when I try to eat him.

The humans have tried to work with us and broker peace, but nothing has worked out yet. We remain sworn enemies, though some days are better than others. He does have two good qualities, though: 1) he leaves me presents in his litterbox (the humans DO NOT like this, for some reason and tend to get shout-y) and 2) if he throws up on the carpet, I usually find it first and offer my services in the clean-up department (the humans also DO NOT like this).

He used to wear a bell, but as I thought it was more of a dinner bell and less of a here-I-am-so-I-don’t-scare-the-living-daylights-out-of-you-sort-of-way-especially-when-you-go-to-get-a-drink-in-the-middle-of-the-night. But bulldogs have a highly evolved sense of hearing and I have adapted. As a matter of fact, I think I hear him now… I must investigate.



October 11, 2012

A war on two fronts or why good news/bad news isn’t a fun game

Filed under: Days in the life — by thedistinguishedenglishbulldog @ 8:03 am

Mummy likes to play a game with me that I call good news/bad news. It goes something like this (*clearing throat for my best mummy voice*): “Bentley! Who wants to eat lots of peanut butter? I’m sending a whole, fresh jar with you to the V-E-T while we’re out of town this weekend!” or “Benson! Who wants a butt rub? It’s time to go out in the rain to potty!”. This game is also know as “good news, bad news” and I’m on to it. I’ve become adept at swiping cookies that were meant to bribe me off the couch, gobbling PB and then spitting out the medicine the humans hid in it, etc.

I have been fighting the good fight since my last post, and hope you have been doing the same, reader. I do have my own version of good news/bad news to share with you today, though.

First, the good – the enemy has been vanquished!

While I can’t claim I executed a Seal Team 6-type of mission, I do feel like I played a direct role in this crucial defeat of my sworn enemy. Mummy cautions me to not to get too excited as these things have a way of “coming back to life” or some such nonsense, but I stand firm in my declaration of victory.

And now the bad. The very bad. There is another enemy encroaching on the homestead. I’ve intrepidly (all the while hiding behind mummy) ventured out to scope out the enemy and have this picture to offer:

And he appears to have multiplied. And he glows at night. And they look RIGHT AT ME while I try to potty. The front yard is not safe. The backyard is no longer safe. I am now confined to the side yard that gives mummy the creeps because she once saw a snail AND a slug there on the same day. (I tried to be helpful and eat them which, oddly, did not seem to make mummy feel better.)

But back to the enemy that has now launched a double offensive: Reader – I implore you stay strong and vigilant in the face of grave danger. Halloween is fast approaching and I plan to survive. If you have been fortunate enough to not have been invaded, I ask a few things of you to help me carry on the fight:

  1. Please send cookies. (I need a stockpile in case things take a turn for the worst. I’ve seen “The Walking Dead” and am well-versed in zombie apocalypse.) And, there is no such thing as too many cookies. I also may or may not be an emotional eater.
  2. Ummm… I guess the cookies are it. I would ask for reinforcements, but I’m really rather anti-social (though I much prefer to call myself introverted), so… there’s that.

Until next time, I remain (somewhat) courageously yours,


October 1, 2012

Under Siege – Day 1

Filed under: Days in the life — by thedistinguishedenglishbulldog @ 7:09 am

Hello, faithful readers. I write to you from the safety of my dining room and have a most important announcement to share. We are under siege.

It started out as a perfectly normal day – I woke the humans up at 6am for potties and nummies. I took my early morning nap, my late morning nap, and my mid-day nap on the couch, on the rug, and the hearth, respectively. There may or may not have been additional naps.  I played with some toys. I barked at the neighbor kids playing outside. I tried to eat some furniture and the air freshener plugged in the hallway. Totally normal day.

Until now. Mummy took me out for my one of my evening potty breaks and there it was:

And it begins...

My reaction: typical. Lots of barking, lunging, growling and in general making a scene. Mummy tells me it’s harmless decoration known as a Halloween inflatable. She reminds of the annual terror that is Halloween. I have no recollection of this in prior years, though Mummy also reminded me that I’m usually on a double dose of  my evening happy meds so that I don’t needlessly terrorize the children who come to my house and take candy from my humans. I do believe my humans have lost their marbles – in what world, I ask you, is it acceptable for small people to COME TO MY HOUSE and TAKE THINGS FROM ME?

At any rate, the siege is under way my friends. Consider yourselves warned; I urge you to take action now while you may still have time. For this operation in our home, I have named Mummy as our leader and she will herefore be known as Lt. Mummy. In the immortal words of Antione Dodson I urge you to “hide yo kids, hide yo wife”. I will also be hiding, likely behind Lt. Mummy. I will attempt further investigation of the subject in the days to come, so stay tuned. In the mean time, I will be studying further strategies to protect the homestead. Lt. Mummy was kind enough to bring up the Wikipedia page on Winston Churchill for my edification.

Little know fact – the humans considered naming me – among other things – Winston, Franklin, and Roosevelt (I came to the rescue as Bentley). However, they could never remember their current favorite name and I was called all names under the sun. They decided to stick with Bentley to alleviate all the confusion. I must say, though, I do feel a strong affinity for Winston. Especially considering the current situation.

Stay strong, dear readers.


January 18, 2012

New Year’s… a time for reflection

Filed under: Days in the life — by thedistinguishedenglishbulldog @ 8:56 am

As a new year has arrived, I – like many others – am reflecting on the past year and looking forward to starting anew.

This typically starts with a long, hard look in the mirror, as I am so dapperly demonstrating above. As I reflect, I think about my accomplishments in 2011 such as working with a behaviorist and accepting that there’s a little bit (or a lot, in my case) of crazy in us all… starting to learn clicker training… my TV debut… clearing the humans’ living room of 3 lamps, an end table, and 2 decorative vases… What? I was re-decorating. Bullie style. You know we watch a lot of HGTV here. It’s not MY fault that all those things wobble when I bulldoze them with my big bullie head. When things wobble, I get scared. When I get scared, I attack wobbly things. Protecting the homestead and all that. Madness, messes, and unamused humans typically follow. It’s my small contribution to our household.

Looking forward, I hope 2012 holds more mood-stabilizing medications (I don’t think the humans will ever let my supply run dry), more trips to MeMe and PePe’s house where I can run around outside with no leash, new and exciting toys I can destroy, and more visitors to the house to pet and fawn over me (I’m a renowned visitor hog when we have company). I also hope to continue helping the humans redecorate. As mom’s been writing this for me, I’ve knocked down a pesky babygate that blocks me from the dining room (where the trash can has also been moved to, courtesy of moi) three times. What? I nudge it. It wobbles. I bark and nudge it harder. It’s a vicious cycle and has ended up with me on a leash. Le sigh. The shame.

Until next time, I write to you from the captivity of a flexi-leash,


December 24, 2011

Underneath the Christmas tree…

Filed under: Days in the life — by thedistinguishedenglishbulldog @ 9:00 am

Christmas Eve is here! The humans packed me up to make the rounds to the g-parents and I was thrilled (really, my facial expression says it all) to finally see what was under that big plant the humans brought inside from the outside. I tried to pee on it once; the humans were unamused. I was mostly good around it, though the presents underneath were fun to push around while they were there. Reagan the cat loved to eat the needles and then throw them back up around the house. The humans were not amused by that either. I thought this thing was supposed to be fun? What are you supposed to do with it if you can’t pee on it or eat it? What else is there?

Were YOU good enough to get such an awesome gift under your tree this year? We opened presents earlier and I must admit… I think I make the best one. So much work will wear a guy out, though.

Merry Christmas and keep your fingers crossed that I make it onto Santa’s nice list… it’s going to be close this year.


December 14, 2011

Hello again, interwebs!

Filed under: Days in the life — by thedistinguishedenglishbulldog @ 9:19 am

Hello, all! Sorry for the extended absence. Mom has (finally!) finished her MBA (War Eagle, she says). Which means that she now has time to help me blog. It has been soooo boring these past few months – all this reading and paper-writing and studying, and homeworks… I took lots of naps, as it was postively exhausting to watch. But, both humans tell me I’m a good study buddy. Dad has also been busy studying for the CPA exam; he has three parts out of four down! But there’s been lots of “studying ‘counting” with him these past few months. I don’t get what’s so hard about counting – I know how to count one through three because the humans are always doing that to me.

What’s new with me, you ask? Well, on the mental health front things are so-so. The humans changed up my meds which has been working pretty well, though I still have my moments. Everyone loves a dog with personality right? (Not multiple personalities, mom says.) The humans also called in the big guns – I’m working with a behaviorist and trainer at the University of Tennessee. Dr. Albright (who always tells me how handsome I am) and Nelle (who always tells me how smart I am) have been lots of fun. They come over, talk FOREVER with the humans, watch me, and play with me. I am very proud to say that I’m getting clicker trained. This is in addition to the hand signals and verbal commands that I already (mostly) know and (sometimes) listen to. Hence why Nelle thinks I’m so smart. And she would know after all – they’re professionals.

I’m super-excited about Christmas coming up; I’ve (mostly) been good this year and am asking for:

  • A new Kong (after 3 years I finally, finally destroyed the original one the humans bought me when I came home. I’m marking that dream off my bucket list.)
  • A new dog bed cover from (I love to pee on my freshly washed bed, which drives the humans batty for some reason. Doesn’t everyone do this?)
  • Cookies from River Dog Bakery (the owners have a Golden Retreiver that goes to the shop with them and he always sends me a special cookie on my birthday!)
  • Toys (the humans thought it would be funny to buy me an interactive toy/IQ test. Apparently trying to eat the toy whole was not the point.)
  • My own couch and/or bed complete with pillows and blankets. I’ve taken to fondness to napping on the couches. The humans are amazed that I know how to use a pillow (duh – I mean how hard is it?) and that I have a strong preference for being under a blanket (fleece is my favorite and I will accept a Snuggie). I’ve still not convinced the humans to let me sleep in their bed, but I’m diligently working on it. For any naysayers, I’ve already jumped up there several times but, sadly, was immediately escorted back to the floor.

I guess that’s it for now. Look for me again soon!


February 19, 2011

My TV debut is this Sunday!

Filed under: Days in the life — by thedistinguishedenglishbulldog @ 9:51 pm

I mentioned that I was recently filmed in a starring role of an episode of House Hunters on HGTV back over the summer. Well, my episode is finally airing! Tune in this Sunday, February 20th at 10pm (eastern time) on HGTV to catch my breakout performance as a bullie struggling to find my dream home after a move to Knoxville. While money is certainly no object to me, the humans, frustratingly, had a budget. Alas, this meant neither a separate wing for me nor a separate kitchen with a full-time nummie maker. Disappointing to me, as these were on must-have list. Le sigh. My request for bullie-friendly pool (i.e. no more than 4″ deep, slightly heated to an always-comfortable tempurature, and partially in the sun so as to abide my love of sunbathing) was also not granted. However, I do still have my kiddie above-ground bullie pool to enjoy in those warmer months.

So make sure you tune in! Here’s the blurb from HGTV’s website about my big debut. While the humans seem to be the center of the episode description, I’m confident you’ll find that I steal the show. I suggest you start making appearane requests sooner rather than later, as I’m sure I will soon be in high demand, and well, frankly I can only work for so many hours (i.e. 2) before succumbing to exhaustion. I require an inordinate amount of beauty sleep to keep up my appearance, you know.

Until next time,

-T(soon-to-be- famous)DEB

December 28, 2010

Deck the halls

Filed under: Days in the life — by thedistinguishedenglishbulldog @ 11:33 pm

Merry Christmas to me! I was very quite pretty sort of … I tried really hard to be good this year. Honest.

The g-parents – known affectionately as Meemee and Peepee (a bit unfortunate on the latter, no?) – gave me some yummy snacks and the humans got me a tasty new toy. That I promptly began destroying. Despite the words “tough” and “indestructable” being all over the label. As my dad says, I could destroy an anvil. You know, that’s something I would really like to try… How does one go about getting an anvil, anyways?

Anywho, we spent Christmas with the humans’ families and stayed at Meemee and Peepee’s house. Which means the humans had to take my crate for me to sleep in. (I have a bad habit of waking up in the middle of the night to go potty. Without telling anyone. Surprise!) But, in between loading up all the presents (looks like I wasn’t the only one who was tried to be good this year), my food, cookies, toys, and bed – not to mention the human’s bags – my crate was never packed.

Apparently mom realized this around 9pm while at dinner with some friends (shout out to aunt Caroline and unlce Jason! And, again, sorry I tried to eat Marlee when you brought her to visit.) the  first night we were at Meemee and Peepee’s. Oops #1. So the humans end up at Petsmart right as they’re closing and grab a crate. My diet and exercise routine must be paying off, because they got a crate one size smaller than I actually need. Oops #2. No one realized this until it was time to put me to bed. Oops #3. This bullie was NOT a happy camper! My badonkadonk badinkadink (I really am petite, you know) couldn’t even turn around. And when I stretched in the morning, guess who banged his A+ face on the top of the crate?

Since we were staying a few more days at Meemee and Peepee’s, the humans (wisely) took the crate back and got one that’s more my size. Fortunately,  no pictures of this humiliation exist. So you’ll just have to content yourself with this festive shot of me and Peepee. And the reindeer antlers.

Yuletide greetings,


November 16, 2010

A+ face

Filed under: Days in the life — by thedistinguishedenglishbulldog @ 11:56 pm

I hate going to the vet. I know I’m supposed to big and tough, but as soon as I walk am dragged through the front doors, I turn into a trembling, scared weenie. The nice receptionist lady saw how nervous I was and came to pet me and make me feel better and I peed all over the floor. Oh the shame!

The humans took some cookies in attempts to distract me, but I was too nervous to eat. Too nervous to eat! Can you imagine? Me – too nervous to eat! If that doesn’t impress upon you the seriousness of my predicament, then well, I don’t know what else to say to you.

My vet is really very nice – the humans picked her because she’s very knowledgeable about bulldogs and the practice is state of the art. When the humans went over all my “issues” she was very understanding and non-judgmental. Which I appreciated. But really, sanity is overrated in my opinion. 

One of the first things the vet commented on was what a quiet breather I was. I saw the humans exchange a puzzled glance, which I ignored. She began petting me and complimented me on my defined waistline and hourglass figure. She praised my ears for being so clean (even though I protest strongly when the humans clean them) and remarked on what lovely condition my skin was in (it’s my grain free, organic kibble). And then – she looked deep into my (clear, non-watery eyes) and told me I had an A+ face. I’ve known it all along, but it’s nice to get confirmation from an official, credible source. 

I was really starting to like this lady, and then she… well, she started poking me all over. And pried my jaws open to see my teeth. And then she took my temperature. And not with the kind of thermometer I’ve seen the humans use. We just met, lady! I peed on the floor again at that point, so I guess we’ll call it even. But other than all that, it went ok. I got a clean bill of health, loads of compliments, and confirmation of my A+ face. See you next year, doc.

– T(A+ face)DEB

October 24, 2010

Airing the dirty laundry

Filed under: Days in the life — by thedistinguishedenglishbulldog @ 10:41 pm

Gentle reader, I’ve been contemplating sharing a few things about myself that you may not know about me. I’ve gone back and forth about airing the dirty laundry, so to speak, and have finally decided to take the plunge and do hope you’ll stick by me.

I have anxiety. I take Prozac daily (yes, the human kind – I have my own W card at Walgreens with my name on it). I use a DAP diffuser. My humans work with me everyday; routine makes me feel better and helps me understand what’s expected of me. I’ve seen a behaviorist.  The humans NILIF me to pieces. My mom has read enough animal training and behaviorist books to ask questions that even my vet has to think about. All the commands I know (sit, down, stay, etc.), I know through hand commands as well as verbal.

Most of you know I’m a rescue dog; I’d like to make abundantly clear that most rescue dogs aren’t like me. Most have no lingering issues after being adopted and are as normal and grateful to their new humans as can be. No one’s sure if I was born this way or if the various abuse I suffered is to blame, but it is what it is and we’re all dealing it with the best we can. I’ve come a long way in the 2 years I’ve been with my humans and some of the earlier messes we got into when I first came around, we can look back at and laugh about. See: the great basement fiasco of 2008, the red decorative plate that looked just like my frisbee, the container full of Christmas cards, and the dining room table, just to name a few. Ahhh… fun times. Mom is harrumphing at me in the background here, so maybe I should amend that to some of us can look back and laugh.

Anywho, that’s me, laid out for all to see. But no worries – my anxiety has no effect on my adoraBULLness. Exhibit A:


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